


The Darkness on my Back

by ghost_ride_the_wip



Series: What if it had been us in the beginning too? [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Harry needs a hug and a nap and to not b ground zero for bad things 24/7, Hurt/Comfort, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), as happy as it gets in the wizarding world anyway, in which the horrific events of Harry’s life actually have an effect
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:08:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28905396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghost_ride_the_wip/pseuds/ghost_ride_the_wip
Summary: ”So,” Sirius said, when he had all but licked his plate clean. “After all these years, it looks like there is finally to be a Christmas at 12 Grimmauld Place.”
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Harry Potter
Series: What if it had been us in the beginning too? [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2120115
Comments: 10
Kudos: 50





	The Darkness on my Back

**Author's Note:**

> If u just came from Dim Violet Places I want to formerly apologise for the decent into sadness but I promise it’s gonna leave Harmony in a soft place - 5th year is just uh Rough

Molly Weasely was cooking enough eggs for a quidditch team the morning Harry finally made the journey down the stairs for breakfast.

“Whats the occasion?” He asked as casually as he could, standing stiffly in the kitchen doorway.

Molly turned to him, a bright smile on her face that didn’t quite meet her eyes.  
  
“Harry,” she beamed. _Almost beamed_. “Im so glad you’re joining us this morning.”

Harry managed a smile for her, a light shrug.

“We always have a big breakfast on Christmas eve at the Burrow,” she smiled, “Why should this year be any different.”

“Christmas eve?”  
  
“Yes, its December 24th today Harry, Christmas eve.”

“Oh.”

The days since he and the Weaselys had been spirited away to Grimmauld Place had blurred together in his mind. He hadn’t been keeping track.

”Come on then,” Molly handed him a plate of hash browns and sausages. “How about you help me bring these through to the dining room.”

Everyone was already sitting around the long narrow Black family table as he helped Molly lay out the last few dishes, and despite the fact that this was the first breakfast he’d joined them for, no one made a fuss about Harry’s sudden attendance- except Sirius who couldn’t seem to stop himself from smiling.

Harry sat himself between Ron and Fred, even forced a laugh when Ron made a joke about being hungry enough to eat a hippogriff. Shoveling sausages and a few pieces of toast onto his plate Harry tried not to look at the empty place between Molly and Ginny at the end of the table.

”So,” Sirius said, when he had all but licked his plate clean. “After all these years, it looks like there is finally to be a Christmas at 12 Grimmauld Place.”

Ginny raised her eyebrows at him. “How long has it been since the last one?” She asked.

“Oh young lady,” Sirius sat forward in his chair, “I believe this will be the first.”  
  
The Weasleys looked aghast.

“The first… ever?” Molly exclaimed.

“That’s just not right.” Fred implored.

“The Blacks have never been known for being… particularly festive.” Harry’s godfather chose the words carefully, offering the bemused family a tight smile- the very same kind Harry would give when people asked about his aunt and uncle. “This year, however, I have Weasleys!” Sirius seemed to perk up, excited about the prospect. “You shall have to show me how its properly done.”

Molly glanced around the bleak dining room, with its dull black wallpaper peeling at the edges. “Well, to start with, Grimmauld cld look a little less…”

“Grim,” Ginny supplied. Sirius chuckled.

“I thought you might say that.”

“I know a very good charm for dusting,” Molly offered, “and another that’ll get rid of these cobwebs quicker than you can say Glumbumble.“

“Glumbumble” Fred and George said in unison.

Molly shot them a look.

“Thank you Molly,” Sirius smiled “that would be lovely. Its been an age since this place has had a good clean. Perhaps we could even _decorate_.”

Mollys grin still didn’t quite reach her eyes, but it came close. “Oh! We’d love to help you make this place a bit more merry, wouldn’t we children?” her tone offered no room for argument.

“Of course we would.” Ginny seemed genuinely enthusiastic.

“Yep,” Ron nodded weakly.

The twins looked nonplussed.

Not so long ago, Harry might have grumbled along with them.

Noticing their disgruntlement, Sirius glanced sidelong at the twins. “I bet there are a few charms we could use that they didn’t teach you in school.”

Fred raised a brow. “oh yeah?”

“Like what?” George asked.

“Nothing that could in any way be used to make trouble at Hogwarts, I trust,” Molly smiled, a warning in her eyes as Sirius winked at the boys.

“Of course not, Molly” Sirius said, but there was a twinkle in his eye.

Sitting up, Sirius cupped his hands and muttered a spell into his palms. Then he opened them and blew a handful of glittery dust up into the air above their heads. It shimmered in the air, making everything it landed on glitter like it was covered in jewels. The weasleys were delighted, none so more that Ginny, her hair sparkling like strings of rubies as she beamed at Sirius as if he were best thing since sliced bread. Harry thought there were definitely a number of ways Fred and George could use the spell to cause mayhem at Hogwarts, but the dining room already looked more festive with the magic glitter shining on the walls.

“Impressive” George admitted. Fred glanced around at the shimmering dining room

“What else ya got?”

“Hmm,” Sirius took out his wand, rubbing it between his palms in thought. “Have any of you heard of a dancing candle charm?”

With a flick of his wand, Sirius lit the ornate candles running up the center of the dining table, and uttered an incantation Harry had never heard. Suddenly the flames took the shape of rabbits, the little creatures sitting up on their hind legs and wiggling their ears. The Weasley’s murmured in delight as the flame creatures leapt from their wicks, careening around the table and through the air. With a word from Sirius they morphed into birds that soared up to the ceiling. One dived down so close to Molly’s curls Harry worried they’d be singed- but then the birds turned to frogs, one hopping right onto his shoulder, and the incendiary creature only left a tickling sensation behind.

“The flames take on whatever form you think of,” Sirius smiled at Harry, a sort of childlike wonder in the older wizards eyes. “Just point your wand at the candle, picture something in your mind and say, _‘Chorus Ignis_ ’”

Ron made a crocodile, which promptly swam across the air to snap at Ginny’s unicorn. Fred had managed a half cat half dog monstrosity, and George was too busy laughing at his twins misshapen creature to focus. Even Molly had made a little fox cub. Harry watched the family laugh together, taking in the long overdue sound, and slid his wand out of his pocket.

It felt strange in his hand, and he realized it had been some time since he’d held it.

He looked up at the candle on the table before him. A rivulet of yellow wax was running down the side and dripping into the iron stand. It smelled like beeswax.

“ _Chorus Ignis,”_ he said.

A little dog began to form in the fire. But at the last second, his mind wandered.

A snake burst out of the flame, snapping and writhing from the wick, and Harry went still.

The taste of blood filled his mouth.

The snake sprang down onto Harrys plate and he leapt back with a cry, stumbling out of his seat and knocking his untouched cup of pumpkin juice across the tablecloth as he went.

“Woah, steady on!” Ron jumped as the silver cup clattered over. He glanced up at Harry with concern. “You alright mate?”

The whole table went quiet as they noticed the snake, slithering along the edge of Harry’s fork.

Then Ginny jumped up. “I’ll get a cloth.”

“Harry?” Molly was next on her feet, making her way around the table toward him. “Are you okay sweetheart?”

“Harry,” Sirius extinguished the flames with his wand. “Its alright, its just a silly little charm..”

Molly lightly touched his shoulder and Harry nearly leapt out of his skin.

“Don’t!” he shouted and Molly flinched back like she’d been stung. “Im sorry- I I didn’t mean to-“ Harry stumbled. Suddenly, he couldn’t catch his breath. “Sorry- Im sorry, I Just.. I need to go, get something from my room,” he managed, and then he bolted, staggering out into the hallway and back up the stairs as he struggled for air.

His room had a bed and a chair but he ignored them, pacing a circle on the floor and casting a halfhearted ward at the door to keep the others out.

Harry clenched his fists, forcing in ragged breaths. His lungs felt too small. His head was spinning. Heart racing. He closed his eyes, trying to ground himself. When that didn’t work, he turned and slammed his first into the wall. It hurt, and for a moment that was all he could feel.

He hit the wall again, and again and again, letting the pain white out his mind.

“It wasn’t me,” he gasped. Another blow broke the skin on his knuckles. “It wasn’t me. It wasn’t. It wasn’t…”

A voice in his head said _it was_.

“I didn’t.. it wasn’t-“

 _You did. You did_.

Harry’s first went through the drywall. He stumbled back, pulling his arm out of the wall and taking a chunk of plaster and insulation with it.

He stared at the hole, into the dark nothingness behind the wallpaper, and the clench of his chest was too tight to ignore.

He collapsed back against the broken wall, his vision going hazy as he tried not to completely hyperventilate. Maybe it was just a chill running up his spine, but to Harry it felt like the slithering silver scales of a nightmare beneath his skin. He had to clamp his hand over his mouth to stop himself crying out as he seemed to feel it everywhere, writhing in him, like it wanted back out. Harry began to tremble as memories of a dream began to crawl back into his mind. He shut his eyes but he could still see the thick red river running over the sterile black tiles. He covered his ears but he could still hear the strangled wet screams.

“It wasn’t me” he said.

He knew it was true. Harry knew the facts:

Several days ago, a giant snake had attacked Arthur Weasley in the ministry of magic.

And Voldemort was behind it. Harry knew that. Dumbledore and Snape had confirmed it. He knew that he had been in his own bed at hogwarts when the attack happened, and so there was no way he could’ve had any part in it.

But he also knew what it felt like to sink poisoned fangs into flesh. He knew what Arthurs _blood_ _tasted like_ \- because he had experienced the attack from inside the snake.

Whatever connection he had with the Dark Lord had taken him there in a dream, and maybe he hadn’t been in control, but he had still felt himself do it.

“ _It wasn’t me_.”

No matter how many times he said it, he couldn’t quite make himself believe it.

Harry let himself sink down to the floor, let the fear run though him, his blood beating in his ears as he shook, rocking himself back against the wall.  
  
Footsteps approaching in the hallway made him jump.

A moment later there was a knock at the door.

It was Ron, or maybe Sirius. Sometimes they came up to check on him. He ignored it.

It came again, more insistent this time.

Harry cleared his throat, squeezes his arms around his stomach and forced in a breath. “Go Away.” he said, trying to sound as normal as possible.

“Harry, it’s me.” It wasn’t Ron or Sirius.

It wasn’t Molly, or Ginny, or Fred, or George or Kreacher.

“Are you alright?”

_Hermione Granger was meant to be a thousand miles away, on a ski trip with her family for the holidays._

“Ron said you were up here by yourself.”

 _She was on the other side of his door_.

“He said you were upset.”

Harry sucked in another tight breath.

“I want to help…”

 _Of course she did_.

“Hermione?” He called on a trembling voice.

The handle turned, but the door was still sealed shut. Harry wasn’t sure he wanted to be seen like this.

“Im here, Harry.” She sounded worried. Worry always turned her voice soft and warm. “I came as soon as I could- Umbridge wouldn’t let me leave until term was finished without parental permission.” She explained. “Are you okay?”

“B-been better.”

He stared at the door, pulsing with energy from his hastily crafted ward. He heaved in air, still shaking, still blinking back nightmares.

“Is there anything I can do?” Hermione asked. “The others were worried. You don’t have to be alone” she said, voice _so soft_. Harry wanted to climb inside it, wrap himself in the gentle burn of it. He wanted her closer.  
Before he could think better of it he banished the ward from the door.

It swung open immediately, and there she was, a wild haired witch tumbling through his doorway.

Their eyes met and she took in the state of him, the trembling hands, the gasping breathes.

“Oh, _Harry_.”

She closed the door and approached slowly, sinking to her knees a few feet away from where he sat huddled in the corner.

Harry tried to find the will to tell her he stay away from him- far from the danger and darkness lurking inside of him. He had been trying to push her away all year. For her safety. For his _sanity_. Because he wouldn’t- couldn’t drag her into the darkness with him.

But here she was again, as if the darkness was where she wanted to be, looking at him like she would slay every one of his demons if he only gave her their names. And in the grips of his terror Harry forgot all about being self-sacrificing and reached for Hermione’s hand.

“How can I help?” she asked, entwining her fingers with his, with the hand he had beaten warm and bloody. “Youre hurt,” her voice broke “Whats wrong? Are you in pain? Harry, what do you need?”

Harry shook his head, squeezing her hand like it was a lifeline.

“Just you,” he said, “just you.”

He pulled her to him in a graceless embrace and she went without resistance, crashing into him, wrapping around him as tightly as she could. One of her knees was digging into his stomach and the other balancing on the floor, her skinny arms squeezing his chest and shoulders tight enough to bruise. But crushed to Hermione, another living heart hammering against his own, for the first time in so long Harry didn’t feel alone.

She didn’t try to speak to him or calm him down. He shook in her arms, violent tremors racking through him as gasping abruptly turned to sobbing. He buried his wet face in the curve of Hermione’s throat, and when he couldn’t fight them anymore, he let the memories in, saw Arthur convulsing and screaming as fangs sank in deep. Saw Cedric, lying grey and motionless in the grass of a cemetery. Hermione petrified in second year. Ginny on the floor of the chamber of secrets. Screams in a dark nursery.

”I’m-I’m sorry!” Harry cried. _“I’m so sorry. Im so sorry. im so sorry im so-_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> An angsty start but it gets a bit softer in the next chapter I swear - the kids aren’t alright (they’re a little better when they’re together though...)
> 
> As always, thank u and bless u for reading !


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